The Haunting
by Zandrellia
Summary: Rukia's thoughts after the battle with Aaroniero.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach; Kind of glad for that, too, it would be a horrible romance if I did.

It was a pale thing, her memories, floating and merging in her head as she fought to keep her eyes open, breath constant. It was a phantom, reminding her of forgotten words and actions never quite taken. Her eyes stung and watered as a fresh well of tears pooled in them and then deserted her. She let out a hollow laugh at that, her tongue darting out to lick her lips as her throat clenched at the motion. Everything did that in the end, deserted her that was, why should her own body be any different? Her body fell forward as she found it too difficult to hold herself up any longer and she rested her head against the cold floor. Just a few moments, that's what she told herself.

She chided herself for thinking so negatively, not _everyone_ deserted her. A face formed in her mind and a small smile crossed her face. He was such an idiot but he was such a good person that she always forgave him for that. Forgiveness… that thought led her mind to wash away the image of the orange haired boy with another. Someone with their back to her, such a familiar back… she was always there in his shadow. Waiting for him to turn around, it seemed. When had he become so tall? She didn't remember. It seemed like just yesterday that they were lying side by side, trying to collect warmth in the deep cold of the Inuzuri winter. Her lip quivered and she let out a small moan as she closed her eyes tightly.

Couldn't she just forget it all? She'd been trying so hard for so long. After all, she was equally to blame. How could she expect him to know what she had wanted? How could she expect him to give her something she'd never asked for? Instead she had waited and given him glances and stares where she'd tried to imply her true desires. Desires that never saw the light of day. She had sworn from that point on that she would never hide her true feelings. Once she'd made that demand of herself she'd promised that someday she would try again.

Someday… she would give herself the chance possibility that someone wouldn't abandon her. There was that face again, smirking down at her with Zangetsu over his shoulder. She winced, her fingers clenched a bit on reflex. Hadn't she told him that she didn't want to be rescued? To die would have been freedom! Freedom? Freedom from what? Another face… one so similar to the last. No. She had made her peace with that. The specter didn't linger, dragging her vision and returning her to that shadow, to that familiar back… standing firm as if nothing would break it down.

Forgive me. That is what she wanted to say, to plead as she pulled against the black cloth covering his torso. Hate me. That is what she wanted to scream, to allow as the tears fell from her eyes. Love me. That is what she wanted to beg, to request as her legs gave out and she fell to the floor beneath him. Whatever you do, I will be happy, just don't leave me.

Her breathing was labored as she lay there in a pool of her own blood, her hand still gripping the hilt of her now broken zanpakuto. Why had she never said those words? Instead she had merely acted like a fool, crying like that. Finally he turned, giving her a concerned look and kneeling down to pull her close into a hug. Telling her that it was okay, that he knew what she needed. Was this what she needed? To die without ever admitting the truth? No. He hadn't meant that. He meant… him. Her thoughts went back to the orange haired boy, screaming in annoyance at her. Why would she need i that /i ? What could she possibly gain from that? Painful lumps on the head. Her lips quivered as a small laugh tried to escape her.

Maybe she was meant to never know the real answer to that. To any of it. She remembered somewhere someone saying something about zanpakuto, how they took after the wielder's heart. She wondered if that was why her Sode no Shirayuki was as it was… considered the most beautiful and yet… it was so cold. Could she never escape that? Never find the hope to remove herself from the lonely world she lived in?

The specter returned to bring another image of the boy she'd met not too long ago, staring up at her from a bloody mess on the streets. Her breathing slowed a bit and she let out another pained moan. Why did he keep surfacing in her mind? It wasn't that she didn't like him, he was a wonderful person and amazingly powerful. The kind of person that always kept you guessing, so of course she enjoyed his company… still… he was… well, obtainable.

_What a selfish little bitch you are, Kuchiki._

Her eyes opened only slightly to reveal a fresh wave of tears and she grimaced as she attempted to shift, sending a new streak of pain through her. It was true. She really was that selfish. Here she was, bleeding to death… alone… and all she could think about was not how grateful she was to have someone who understood her desire for company… but the company she'd been denied.

It had always been that way for her.

When she had met Kaien she had wanted his presence, his essence, his spirit… simply because she could not have him. Yes, he was strong and of a well family. Certainly, he had status among the Gotei 13. And he was amazingly kind. All of those were wonderful qualities that caused her to enjoy knowing him… but they did not make her want him. He was married to another woman. He was just like _him_, unavailable. That caused her to desire him.

Ichigo was exactly the opposite. He had needed her so desperately from the beginning. Without her he and his family would likely be dead and after she had given her spiritual power over to him and turned him into a shinigami he had needed her to guide him. He needed her to kick him in the head and tell him what an idiot he was for not doing what he already knew he should. To promise him that he was a great man, able to do anything.

But… _he_ was not like either one of them and yet… both of them wrapped into one. They'd met so easily, a spontaneous moment that could never have foretold of the relationship to come. He didn't need her. She didn't need him. Then they became shinigami, under her suggestion. Now he was strong and had status among the Gotei 13 and was unobtainable… because he still didn't need her.

She shivered, pulling her zanpakuto closer as she drew her arms into her chest and her eyes fell open to stare out at the sunlight as it fell in through the crater she'd created. Her eyes widened and she let out a small gasp as she watched in awe as the ribbon that was so white began to turn red. A broken sword that has lost its purity… it really was just like her.


	2. Chapter 2

She shivered violently and her breath hissed as she fought to retain body heat. Her mind wandered again, considering that she had always been cold. Then the ghost that had been lingering around her all this time returned to remind her that she had known, at least for once, a moment of heat. Once again she remembered that back, illuminated in candlelight while he stared down at the papers in his hand. It was his room, his private space that she had finally obtained the nerve to violate. Quietly she had closed the door behind her and then took a few faltering steps towards him, unsure what to say or where to start.

Her mind thought about the two theories about life and battle that she had learned to that point. How there were two kinds of battle, one for pride and one for survival. And… _heart_. Her own heart clenched at that thought and for a few moments the image of Kaien appeared to overpower her thoughts, the shining look in his eyes that told her how important what he was saying was. She winced and a few more tears trickled down her face, the last moments of her tears. This was a battle for both pride and survival… in the hope for finding heart. That was what it had been, to her, at least.

Roughly she forced the smiling image away from her, only to let out a small cry as another surfaced. He was holding her, telling her that he knew what she needed. What a fool. He didn't know anything! Still, she had nodded slowly, reaching out to cup his cheek in her hand. His eyes widened as she leaned forward then, pressing her lips to his gently yet with hunger. She felt a little bubble inside of her burst when, after a few moments, he began to return the kiss and pulled her closer. Her eyes slid closed, enjoying the feeling.

It was meant to be. She had known that from the beginning. They had moved as if it was natural, as if there was no question as to what they should be doing. As opposed to… what they _should_ be doing. Still, when she had finally opened her eyes to look at him the distant look in his eyes made her feel a pang of regret. Was she not showing how much she desired him? Did her moans of pleasure, the way her body moved against him, how she allowed him to take her completely not tell him how she felt? A tear had escaped her eye and she turned away from him then, drawing her arms around him to pull him closer even in the same action.

That was when she knew that he didn't need her. Moments like that, where he was distant. It was as if he were thinking of someone else while he was with her. As if he was merely doing her a favor. She winced. Was that all it was? Their relationship, a favor? She refused to believe that. Now that she was out of the heat of passion and in the cold of lingering death she had a fresh perspective of the moment.

Perhaps that, too, had been her fault as well. Instead of allowing him to think he knew what she wanted, she should have told him. Instead of letting him love her without saying he loved her, she should have told him how much she loved him. She hadn't. She had lived in the moment, drawn into her pain and need and unable to think clearly. Now, now that it was too late she realized what he had seen.

He had seen a friend in need of comfort and given that to her, but instead of seeing that she needed the comfort from him he had thought she needed it from another. That he was simply… a replacement. How stupid could he be to think she would use him like that? If she had wanted someone else she could have gone to them!

Now that she thought about it she knew it was true. The way he had stared down on her with a sad sort of expression while she moaned his name. How he had said hers so gently, as if he were afraid she might hear him. Worse yet was her actions when she had thought he was thinking of another. That tear… afterwards he had gasped as if someone had kicked him roughly in the chest and then he leaned forward into her embrace, drawing his arms around her and pulling her closer to him. He'd buried his head into her neck and said her name one last time, uttering it as if it were the most painful thing he had ever said.

She let out a shaken laugh and fought to keep her eyes open.

He didn't need her. She didn't need him. That was how it was, right? Her mind considered the horribly torn way he said her name in that moment and she shivered, not from cold but from the reaction to her sudden realization. It couldn't be. Fresh tears attempted to collect in her eyes, only a few came and they quickly washed over to create new trails along her skin. It couldn't be.

Once more the specter returned, this time sweeping through her mind quickly to draw up one image after another. His slow stare as she explained to their friends how spiritual energy worked. The way he crossed his arms and took a few steps closer to her whenever she stopped to talk to anyone he didn't know. Smiles he'd given her so easily, for nothing in return. The jealous way he'd responded when he first met Ichigo and the way he had fought with her against going to him.

It wasn't possible… but it was. All this time she had thought that she had held the burden, that he had been ignorant of her pain and need.

_What a selfish little bitch you are, Kuchiki._

Her thoughts reminded her, like the annoying spirit they were –floating there around her mind and drawing out her painful realization. She swallowed, her eyes slowly fluttering closed and her body sliding further into the ground if that were at all possible. Just a few moments, that's what she told herself, over and over.

Just a few moments and she would go. She would stand up and go to him… not caring if it was the right place or time, not caring if others saw or heard. She would go to him and say what she knew she had to say. Her tongue came out slowly to lick her dry lips, and she shivered a bit more, her hand tightening on the now completely stained Sode no Shirayuki. It was getting dark. Was there a cloud overhead?

Or maybe it was a shadow. A small smile crossed her face at that thought and she slipped into unconsciousness.

_FIN_


End file.
